Saturday, August 2, 2008

Handyman Versus the Groundhog

Handyman is usually a very easy-going, laid back sort of person. Although he can be at times irritable, I don't think I've ever seen him be truly angry.

That is, until a cute and adorable groundhog decided to use Handyman's prize garden as a veritable restaurant of delicacies.

War was declared. I am now going to fill the role as the ace war correspondent.

Gorgeous War Correspondent: Can you tell me, Handyman, what were your feelings when you first learned of the accused groundhog?

Handyman: (grunts) Annoyance.

Beautiful War Correspondent: What steps did you take to deal with your neighbor, the groundhog?

Handyman: Well, first I tried trapping the little monster with a live trap, but what can possibly tempt a groundhog to enter a metal cage when there's an entire garden's worth of dinner just outside? (I tried the suggestions of popcorn and pb&j sandwiches. Didn't work either). Then, I tried leaving poison sticks around, hoping the pest would eat them and then die on the neighbor's property. My wife found our son Peter getting ready to chow down on the poison sticks and she nearly killed me, so I figured I'd better drop the idea of the poison sticks. (At this point the Ace War Corespondent levels a beady eye at Handyman in a truly ferocious glare.) Finally, as a last result I put up a small fence around the garden.

Amazingly Clever War Correspondent: Mr. Groundhog, what were your feelings upon finding a fence around your food supply?

Mr. Groundhog: Well, I have to say I was very disappointed with Mr. Handyman. We creatures of nature live in peace and harmony with one another, and the idea of a fence is very traumatic to me.

Patient Wife War Correspondent: So the fact that Handyman tried to entrap you and then poison you to death didn't bother you?

Mr. Groundhog: Not really, because I'm not that stupid. I really enjoyed watching Mr. Handyman jump around in frustration, though. The popcorn in the trap was especially fun, since it took Mr. Handyman a day or two to realize that the birds were eating the popcorn, and not I. I think he was baffled as to how "I" was eating the popcorn without setting off the trap . . .

Ace War Correspondent: That is how things are presently on the war front. Since putting up a fence, Handyman has successfully managed to keep Mr. Groundhog out of his garden, therefore earning a point for himself. Mr. Groundhog, however, managed to entirely demolish Handyman's pea, carrot, and beet plants before the fence went up, causing Handyman to have to replant those vegetables. Three points for Mr. Groundhog.

On a happier note, I was shocked to discover a sign in our front yard declaring our home as a "Yard of the Month". At first I thought it was a joke, but apparently it's not. Handyman preened for several days after.

I guess the yard association people didn't see the pool of maggots on the road just on the end of our sidewalk . . .

Just keepin' it real, folks. Just keepin' it real.